I have been lacking in courage, and it's time for that to end. I think it began when I became self employed. Some part of me believed that in order to be seen as a professional, I couldn't let people see my humanness. "Never let 'em see you sweat."
A couple of years ago I asked a select group of girlfriends for some feedback. I asked them if there was any feedback about me personally that they could give, what would it be? Now, this wasn't easy, mind you. l have surrounded myself with some amazing and strong minded women. I think we are all of the belief that if you don't want the answer, you shouldn't ask the question. Consistently I received the message that I always appeared to have everything "handled." That apparently keeps others from being willing to be vulnerable in my presence. Hmmmmm....
Initially, I was shocked, me? Handled? Wow! That wasn't at all what i was prepared for. Loud, bossy, opinionated, overly critical? These are flaws that I am aware of and work on every day. It took some time for me to gain perspective, but after allowing myself to sit with that information it became clear. This is my ultimate default mask, it is my favorite coping tool. The most destructive action to the intimacy I crave.
I did better for some time, yet I find myself more and more frequently in the last several years, putting on that old familiar mask. Especially when it comes to my closest relationships; John and Maya.
Maya is my 10 year old step-daughter with my partner John. I never anticipated being a parent, and I have to tell you my experience of it so far is that it is a giant exercise in being as vulnerable as a human can be. I have to say, it has shown me so many of the least attractive parts.of myself, I never even imagined existed. See, it is impossible to be fully in and fully in control. (Which is what the mask of "handled" is all about.) Never mind that control is an illusion anyway.
I have stayed away from blogging for about 2 years because of my lack of courage, my lack of willingness to be totally seen. Today I am taking the first step to change that. I have my fear and I am doing it anyway.
Live Your Heart Out Loud!
Phoenix Kansas City Coach, Shaman, & Teacher