What writing last weeks post has shown me is that there are so many reasons I "believed" I was justified in hiding. A huge one (literally) was my weight. The vast majority of my life I have not truly had to worry about my weight. (I wish I could tell that to my anorexic self 20 years ago.) I have had periods of slightly up, slightly down, but mostly in a specific range. Well, the last 4 years that hasn't been so. It began as a slow climb and then in the last year it was like a snowball gaining momentum. I felt like I was losing my sanity. My body was so unfamiliar. My fear of being seen was intense. Months ago I had a client come to see me that hadn't been in for probably 5 years, and seeing their reaction to my physical self was painful and healing all in the same moment. I knew that they were only reflecting to me my own self judgement.
I can clearly see how I was keeping myself caught in my own trap of my bullshit story. As though what I have to say or my wisdom is somehow tainted by the fact that my weight had changed. I refused to let John take pictures with me in them. I was the "family photographer." I posted everything but myself all over my fb page. I didn't want to attend family/friends gatherings, parties, celebrations. I was busy, tired, booked, etc. I was afraid they would see me.
I knew that the hiding had to come to an end if I wanted to go farther in my life, my work, my spiritual path. I had to let go of the shame and be seen. So in March I had professional photos taken. I was using photos over 5 years old on my website, and I feel that's deceptive. I even posted the new photos on fb. Probably a non-event for most of you who know me, but it was a huge emotional risk for me.
I know that this is all a reflection of me saying more loudly and more consistently to the world what truly makes my heart sing. My fear that upon seeing my truth I will be ridiculed and judged by the world at large and, more scarily, people I care about. This is my small way of saying, "that's okay, I love myself anyway."
Live Your Heart Out Loud!
Phoenix Kansas City Coach, Shaman, & Teacher