Many Reasons To Hide

What writing last weeks post has shown me is that there are so many reasons I "believed" I was justified in hiding.  A huge one (literally) was my weight.  The vast majority of my life I have not truly had to worry about my weight. (I wish I could tell that to my anorexic self 20 years ago.)  I have had periods of slightly up, slightly down, but mostly in a specific range.  Well, the last 4 years that hasn't been so.  It began as a slow climb and then in the last year it was like a snowball gaining momentum.  I felt like I was losing my sanity.  My body was so unfamiliar.  My fear of being seen was intense.  Months ago I had a client come to see me that hadn't been in for probably 5 years, and seeing their reaction to my physical self was painful and healing all in the same moment.  I knew that they were only reflecting to me my own self judgement.

I can clearly see how I was keeping myself caught in my own trap of my bullshit story.  As though what I have to say or my wisdom is somehow tainted by the fact that my weight had changed.  I refused to let John take pictures with me in them.  I was the "family photographer."  I posted everything but myself all over my fb page.  I didn't want to attend family/friends gatherings, parties, celebrations.  I was busy, tired, booked, etc.  I was afraid they would see me.

I knew that the hiding had to come to an end if I wanted to go farther in my life, my work, my spiritual path.  I had to let go of the shame and be seen.  So in March I had professional photos taken.  I was using photos over 5 years old on my website, and I feel that's deceptive.  I even posted the new photos on fb.  Probably a non-event for most of you who know me, but it was a huge emotional risk for me.

I know that this is all a reflection of me saying more loudly and more consistently to the world what truly makes my heart sing.  My fear that upon seeing my truth I will be ridiculed and judged by the world at large and, more scarily, people I care about.  This is my small way of saying, "that's okay, I love myself anyway."

Live Your Heart Out Loud!

                                                                         Phoenix                                                                         Kansas City Coach, Shaman, & Teacher